Whew! What a weekend! Since Doc Sexy and I moved last weekend to "Way Far Away" I have spent way more time in my car than I'd care to remember. But we had to spent A LOT of time in it this weekend.
Saturday morning we had to get up super early, drive 3 hours northeast to drop off the pups at the kennel (we really like our kennel and haven't found a new one yet), DS dropped me off at an audition (which went swimmingly) and then we had to drive another 1/2 hour to my old apartment to change and drive 1 hour west to the resort that my friends were GETTING MARRIED at!! Oh em gee we were in such a hurry to get there on time, we literally sat down and like 5 minutes later the ceremony started, offiicated by.... Cpt. Stoneage. Yeah, talk about a touch awkward considering UJ's recent situations with him. But, seeing as how he is also my friend I wasn't a big ol' meanie, but I did basically avoid him for the first few hours. The ceremony however was lovely and then we went to check in and get our room. OMG, the room. First let me explain that our resort was straight out of Dirty Dancing. Our TV had 3 channels - religion, public television and we think scrambled cartoon porn. The air conditioning unit looked 30 years old and the closet scared me. Plus, we had this door in the bathroom that was locked and we think that Patrick Swayze (rest his soul) was hiding behind there. So, we're sitting in the room and I'm fixing my hair, DS found some weird channel with bear maulings on it and then around 4:30 we were going to wander around. Come to find out there was free beer, wine and soda from 3 til 5.... WTF?! No one told me this shit or I would have been drinking a fuck of a lot sooner! So seeing as how I has put jeans on we went to the room to quick change and then had a few beers outside.
There were tables set up for 8 people in the reception hall. So me, my mom, my sister (Spanky), Doc Sexy were obviously going to sit together. Plus, another friend and her husband (I'll call them.... Cheerleader and The Counter lol.. to be explained later) were going to sit with us since they didn't really know anyone else. That left 2 chairs. Since Cpt. Stoneage knows my family and Cheerleader/The Counter from marrying them I didn't want to be mean and make him sit with random people he didn't know (since he isn't much of a talker to begin with!) and pretty much everyone envited him to sit with us so he made up chair #7 which left an empty one. Well.... to add a bit of a dramatic part to the story I need to make a little sidenote here:
A friend of mine - I don't know if I've nicknamed her before but this time around I'll call her "Oblivious" - is involved with a married man. And without getting into the whole story, since I don't have a month to catch everyone up, I don't agree with it and neither does her friend Cheerleader. We pretty much agree that what Oblivious is doing is wrong and what the man (Adulterer) is doing is disgusting and disrespectful and wrong and many other adjectives. Well Adulterer was coming to the wedding. However, he told his wife that he was going to Doc Sexy's bachelor party. Doc Sexy and I aren't getting married yet that I'm aware of and I told oblivious that I didn't think we needed to be involved in someone lying to their wife. It's a really dramatic situation and apparently I'm the only person who had enough balls to say anything. (Until this weekend... but I'll get to that)
So... Oblivious asked Cheerleader if it was ok that Adulterer sat in our last chair. Seeing as how she can't be mean to Oblivious, she said fine and then ran to come make sure I wouldn't get up and leave the table if he sat down. We discussed how we felt abou the situation and I made it clear that I would keep my mouth shut during dinner but only for the bride and groom's sake but I would under no circumstances be nice to Adulterer if I even spoke to him at all. Well, he didn't make his appearance until like 45 min after we all ate. Which was funny because our table was placing bets on whether he was going to even show up at all. After dinner the bar opened up again and we started drinking.... and drinking and laughing and drinking and laughing and that was how most of the night went on. The Counter got his name because after dinner we saw Adulterer show up and he said "Hey, we should keep track of how many times he leaves to go talk to his wife!" So every time he left the room with his phone our group would yell out the next number!! It was so mean but we kept doing it!! Then they started playing the song the Cupid Shuffle and that made me and Doc Sexy and Cpt. Stoneage BUST out laughing because when we all went to dinner a few weeks ago with UJ we were discussing something and DS named it the Cripple Shuffle. Which sounds really mean taken out of context...and it is kinda mean but really... you had to be there. (I wanted to text you at the time UJ because it was so funny but my phone was all the way in the room and it would have taken me forever to go get it.) So the part of the song that goes "to the left to the left ....to the right to the right..." was added to the list of funny shit that happened that night along with all the Swayze jokes because of the look of the hotel.
Then the garter/bouquet toss came. DS didn't want to participate so he stayed sitting down and The Counter said, "Well dude! This IS supposed to be your bachelor party so you're getting married! You don't have to go up there!!" Which made everyone laugh and DS wrapped a drinking straw around his finger like a wedding ring to add to it. (Let me add here that the more we all had to drink the funnier every little thing became.) Then Oblivious came by and told DS that he should be up there because Adulterer was and Cheerleader (and I love her for this) says "PSH! He ain't single!!" which made Oblivious a little mad so she walked away. And we all high-fived Cheerleader for it! I told her that I had way too many beers in me to be allowed near him because I had no more filter from brain to mouth. More laughing and drinking and dancing and talking and counting (we got up to 8 by the time the reception was over) and then they started emptying the reception hall.
We moved our group outside and were discussing that we all were super hungry since it was 11:30 and dinner was already 5 hours behind us. We started talking about Taco Bell since it was the closest food place (20 min away!) and then DS and I wanted pancakes and then someone mentioned Burger King so our list of food went to Pancakes, Whoppers and Burritos! Then Cpt. Stoneage (who didn't not have any alcohol all night because of the distance of his drive) said that White Castle is usually really good when you're drunk, so we added THAT to the list of food too!! After that I saw Adulterer walk by and I said "Gimme an I, Gimme an N, Gimme an F, Gimme an I, Gimme a D, Gimme an E, Gimme an L, Gimme an I, Gimme a T, Gimme a Y... what's that spell?!" and Spanky says..."Infidelity?!" I said, "I was never a cheerleader, so I'm not so good at that." And Cheerleader says, "Oh! I was! GIMME AN I!" super super loud and then she put her hand over her mouth and we all started laughing again because Adulterer was literally 5 feet from us. Then DS was telling a story about an old crazy neighbor of ours and said something about an accelerant and Cheerleader thought he said "eating celery" so we made a ten minute joke about celery being a drug! (This is what happens when you have 4 drunk people together kids... trouble I tell ya!) We were about to go to our rooms and The Counter and Cpt. Stoneage shook Doc Sexy's hand and said, "Thanks for inviting me to your bachelor party man, it was fun!" Then Cheerleader and The Counter came to our room cuz we were going to TRY to order a pizza. That didn't work so well since every pizza place either didn't deliver that far out or was closed. The bride's friend came back with BurgerShots from Burger King for everyone so we all gathered in one room to eat a few and then go back up to bed around 2.
About 3 am I hear some really weird, loud noise so I got up and walked around our room first thinking that it was the air conditioning because there was a note saying it might freeze up (omg...really?!) but it wasn't coming from the a/c. I walked around the room more and had no idea where it was coming from so I laid back down. A few minutes later I heard people yelling in the hall so I got up and opened the door. There was a weird fog/haze in the whole hallway of the 2nd floor where we were and the people across the hall were packing and going outside. IT WAS THE FIRE ALARM!! So I woke up everyone in my room by turning on the light and yelling "That's the fire alarm...GET OUT!" My mom and Spanky went right outside, I grabbed cell phones and DS and I went downstairs and were looking around to see what was going on. My mom had woken Cheerleader and The Counter up so they would go outside too and everyone finally made it out of the building. We stood outside for awhile and I ran over to the main building of the hotel hoping someone was working there. The whole building was locked and no one was there... at all. So about 3:30 the first squad car showed up with the first fire truck and then about 10 minutes last we had 8 fire trucks, 1 ambulance and 2 cop cars. They finally searched the whole building and it turned out that someone had pulled a fire extinguisher off the wall and sprayed it all over the 2nd floor which was what made all the alarms go off and the weird haze. We finally got to bed and then left the hotel in the morning around 8:30 since DS and I had to pick up the puppies before 11. We got back to Way Far away around 1:30 and needed a nap from all the chaos.
Now it's back to homework, school, work and all the other less fun stuff but the wedding was a lot of fun and a nice little break in the monotony.
xoxo
Classy Bitch
2 days ago
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