Nerts!

I fucking call bullshit!!! What the motherfucking hell is wrong with people? And why do some people have the brainpower of a dead battery? I realize that being a neighbor sometimes means having to be nice to people who you'd rather see thrown into a garbage disposal, or dealing with incestuous young folk that move in with them, and their ridiculously bad language that's loud ALL THE FUCKING TIME and even worse, in some kind of southern tongue... but COME ON.

I have one such neighbor. Let's call him Serial Killer. Ever since he [rightfully - I'm with him there] divorced his ugly ass cheating wife, he's been, well let's say, a little more frugal. He's lost a bunch of weight and looks even more creepy now. He was psycho about mowing his lawn before but now it's like he's on fucking crack. His new thing is edging. He has edged around his lawn everywhere, down the drive and around the sidewalks, around his bushes and empty garden, his back porch... everything. And he has done it to the point of creating at least 4 inches of dirt. No grass is left. Nothing! And it looks fucking horrible. Especially where there's still some kind of grass, but it's all dried and yellow.

Now fine, you're lonely. Whatever. But WHY IN THE FUCKING GODLESS HELL WOULD HE THINK I WANT MY EDGES TO LOOK THAT WAY TOO?!?!?! The fucking dick edged from my house to the sidewalk (and not the other bit), a brick and a half on ONE side of my walk, and in patches here and there down my sidewalk. WHAT THE HELL?! Now I have random yellow borders! Are you fucking kidding me? Get off my property you fuck. People who know me know I have a problem with this guy. When he mows his lawn he usually uses a leaf blower to blow all his cut grass into the corners of my drive and that's his version of cleaning it up. God forbid he put it back in his own yard. And sometimes he doesn't even do that. If there's a chance of rain, he leaves it there so not only do I have a green drive, but it's wet and muddy. Yeah, thanks. Asswipe. I've been dealing with that for years. But now he's going to randomly edge shit and make my yard look shitty like his? I DON'T THINK SO. If he does it again, there will have to be words exchanged. How can he not see he's killed his grass where he edges and then think that'd be ok to do in someone else's lawn?!

Holy fuck. P.S. I love swearing and then ending my sign-off with xxoo.

UJ xxoo

Now open: Devil Daycare

So, there is an older woman who basically took over my job at this place I used to work. She is a lawyer but doesn't practice much anymore, hence the crap part time job she now has. She is divorced once, remarried and has four kids total (I think). I've never really liked her much but I just have to post this story I recently heard about her. And when I say heard I don't mean through some snotty grapevine. It's on dead set authority.

Anywhore, apparently her now husband has been wanting to file for divorce. I guess he was given 30 days to decided whether or not he was going to, and he finally decided he did. So she didn't want him sleeping in their bed with her and she told him that. He was none too happy and there was a bit of a struggle with her in the bedroom on one side of the door and him - with his foot in the doorway - on the other. He was pushing and being a usually dumb ass guy (I mean, I presume...) and somehow HE broke his glasses. So what does he do? He calls the police and has her arrested for battery! And what do the police do? They believe him and take her to jail. He also told the police that she "pummeled" him and that's why his glasses were broken. So she had to call my ex-boss to post bail, but she is not allowed back in HER house for 72 hours, so her and her kids are all staying at ex-boss's house right now.

Oh my fucking god. I would sue his ass. He's a lawyer too so I'm sure there's going to be some definite legal shit happening. And I was just going to say I can't believe the police believed him over her, but I do believe it, and that's just sick. Jesus where are these people born to become such monsters? Did they go to Devil Daycare? Fuck. What a dick.

UJ xxoo

Rude ass motherfuckers!

Good fucking grief. Sometimes I really don't understand what makes people tick. Or rather, what makes people dicks. I swear the teenage generation gets skinnier, dumber and more whore-y as the years go by. My friends and I were NEVER that annoying. I'm sure to some people we were, and I'm sure everyone says things like that as they get older, but no fucking way were we that prissy and inconsiderate and so incredibly arrogant.

One thing I do every year on the 4th of July is go to my town's parade. I don't even think other towns around us have parades and I've always thought it was a cool, long-standing tradition. I'm definitely not someone you could really call patriotic, but 4th of July is my second favorite holiday and I've always been a stickler for certain traditions. I grew up thinking it was cool and being excited to go. My face wasn't painted like a fucking flag and my family didn't dress in matching outfits (with headbands... and beads...) but still! It was a family thing and you looked forward to seeing certain people or things in the parade, making fun of the clowns, feeling bad for the poor saps dressed in over sized dog suits (don't know where that tradition came from...)... etc. I don't think I should really have to explain what it [should] feels like to have something every year you do with your family or community or what-the-fuck-ever. The point is, this year, we stood in the same place we did last year. And another family (the ones with the headbands and beads) stood in front of us, by the curb, like they did last year. Oh my fucking God. Two teenage girls, who I'm assuming were sisters, in these hoochie-esque dresses, ridiculously big sunglasses, purses you could fit Mary Poppins in and flashy sandals came over and stood to our right in the little bit of shade there.

Twat #1: "Oh my Gawd I'm dying."

Twat #2: "Yeah, like, I'm dying."

(Mom says something to them from the curb)

Twat #1: "Mooooom, I'm dying!"

(Mom says something about them getting a ride with some guy)

Twat #2: "Oh my Gawd he's not here yet. I'm like, dying."

Twat #1: "He won't be here for, like, another half hour or something and I'm dying." (to Twat #2) "I'm seriously dying."

Twat #1: "I know, it's, like, seriously hot."

And so on and so on. Granted, it was friggin' hot, BUT IT WASN'T THAT HOT!!! Jesus Christ if I had to listen to them any longer I was going to yell, "THEN DIE ALREADY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I mean, if you're gonna be twat teenagers and complain about having to be outside in the natural sun and air with your family in public, fine. But don't stand 15 feet away from your family and yell the conversation back and forth! Nobody wants to here you whine bitch. And who the fuck talks like that?! Ugh I wanted to throw up the snow cone I tried to eat before it melted. And if I had I would have aimed at their pretty little dresses. Which, by the way, were less covering than what I was wearing (tank and shorts) and I don't do well AT ALL in the heat and I wasn't suffering to my last fucking breath.

Another lovely part of parade time happened before that whole situation actually. We were standing in front of a store that has two windowed sections, separated by a brick wall that sticks out a little. So we're standing there (important part) IN THE CORNER, where there's the most shade and blockage from the gross wind. All of a sudden this little buggy and a mom comes round the corner and says all fluttery and innocent (not to me, I guess just to the fucking air), "Oh, can we just sneak right in here?" and half-heartedly laughs... and proceeds to fucking back her ass up so far into the corner that I had to move. What the fuck?! Seriously?! She had 3 or 4 other kids with her too that all just piled in after her. Meanwhile, my mom and dad and I are STARING at them in disbelief that they just took over. Like, hello! If I hadn't of moved I would have been literally up against the wall and some little girl. I must have said, "Rude." 5 or 6 times really loudly. I don't know if they heard me but they didn't even say, "Oh we're just gonna use the shade for a minute" or "Excuse us" or ANYTHING. Wow. Eventually they left and I said, "Yeah, goodbye!" really loudly. We stood nice and further apart then to make sure no one else clammed in.

Oh. Em. Gee. Rude ass motherfuckers.

UJ xxoo