In Memory

Today would have been my Grandpa's 94th birthday. It's been so long since he was around it seems like a forgotten dream to try and picture him here. So many things have been void of his presence and sometimes it's overwhelmingly painful. I was very close with him and when he died it was the first time I had experienced a death in the family. It destroyed me for a very long time. Not to mention I half-seriously blamed myself for his passing

He basically died a smoker's death, which makes it even worse for me as I continue to be one of those people I used to hate. I was so anti-smoking. I used to mutter "puff puff puff" when I'd pass someone smoking. I have now been smoking for 10 years. Everything he went through has now all mixed together in a mirage of jumbled memories, but I remember his oxygen tank. I remember the way he would cough. I remember his bike accident that put him in the hospital and made things irreversibly worse. I remember the night my parents came into my bedroom to tell me they were going to the hospital and that they didn't think he was going to be with us for much longer. I can picture my room and the things in it, and how I was staring at the vent while I told them I was tired and opted to stay home and in bed. Now, I realize now like I truly did back then that his death is not my fault. But, when I found out the next morning that he did in fact pass away, well, you can only imagine how I felt.

The wake and the funeral were extremely difficult for me. I remember crying a lot. I remember my boyfriend at the time and my one cousin trying to console me in their own respective ways. I remember the necklace my best friend at the time had gotten me to wear. I was just thinking about it the other day, and I have no idea where it went. Every year since I have gone to the cemetery on his birthday and left a card. I don't think I've been every single year on the actual anniversary of his death, but I know I've gone quite a few times. It will be 11 years this August.

My Grandpa was so special, and probably a million other things that I never found out. I have learned more about his hobby as a photographer, which had provided some solace since that is a deep connection for me. He now has my Grandma, who passed away in January of 2009. It was almost - but not quite - the same feeling with her, like it's been that long too. She had Alzheimer's and wasn't the Grandma I knew and loved for a very long time before she died. My Grandpa's death really changed her as well, and we're convinced it was a big cause for her decline in health. It is weird and comforting to see her name on the grave marker now, but I can only hope that they are finally together and have found some kind of peace.

I know no one (other than CB) really reads this blog but I just felt the urge to send all this out into the void. Today is always a quieter, slower day for me and if someone else knows how I feel about everything, then someone else has acknowledged my Grandpa's life and what it meant.

UJ x